Reclaiming Abundance: The Internet’s Top 3 “Substitutes” for Half & Half in Coffee

I cheated, everyone. I confess- freely and openly- I cheated. I ate crackers. Saltine crackers. On Monday. But it was ONLY to stay alive. I promise.

Saltines- what are they made of? I have no idea, but they are definitely not on the Daniel Plan. However, when your body has finally surrendered to the evil stomach bug which has burninated its way through your workplace, like Trogdor, it is impossible to stomach even the idea of wheat bulgur… which turns out is a pretty yummy oatmeal-ish type thing. (Props if you know who Trogdor is…)


Anyway, after 36-ish hours of awfullest awfulness I am recovered {huzza!}, but it did require saltine crackers and the staying power of their blandness. (It also required viewing the 5-hour-long BBC Pride & Prejudice.)

(Yes, the Colin Firth one, because it has healing properties…) 

Now, all us peasants are praying the beast stays vanquished…

In other news, my husband and I (who are never wrong on anything, which can be a challenge when our opinions differ), debated the health value (or lack thereof) in half & half the other night. I was just saying that I thought in the future it would likely make a reappearance in our lives. (My coffee is lonely with only watery- in comparison to half & half- unsweetened almond milk!!) And he had the gaul to suggest that half & half isn’t the healthiest option. The effrontery.


This then necessitated a duel of the Google, which- by an astonishing and appalling turn of events- betrayed me to him by revealing that half & half is ***wait for it*** half cream and half whole milk. [Insert my utter chagrin here.] I’m not even going into the specifics of the sugar/fat breakdown. Let’s not add insult to injury. My psyche is fragile as it is.

It isn’t that I didn’t know that. But I had sort of forgotten it and felt like it was better. Because doesn’t everything with the words “half & half” in the title suggest (with a sort of aloof superiority) that it is healthier than the full-fledged version, while avoiding being the totally un-fun buzzkill of the alternative??? Half & half tea? Which shows that you aren’t a crazy head who doesn’t like sugar at all. Or Half caf? Which shows that, hey, at least you’ll be a little jazzed to be alive…

Somehow I have, from the deep, sweet, sugary goodness of my heart managed to forgive Google for this egregious sin. And I may yet forgive that husband of mine… Ok. I already forgave him… Mostly because he totally took care of me, Lucy, and making lots of foods for the Burnination Period of my sickness. So, we’ll let him off. (THIS TIME.)

So, all this to say that, for now I shall endeavor to find healthy (ish) alternatives to half & half. Coconut milk is pretty good. The sweetened vanilla coconut milk I accidentally bought yesterday is pretty darn good… (For real!! It was totally an accident. I got home and the ever-vigilant hubs pointed out to me that I’d neglected to buy unsweetened regular kind.) 

But Google did steer me wrong in one major way… In an attempt to nutrify my beverage, I looked up some of the interwebs’ suggestions for healthy half & half substitutes. Here were the top 3 results:

1. Soy Milk- It makes a super yummy latte, so I picked some of that up too, yesterday. (Why didn’t I use that this morning? Because we were in a monstrous hurry, and the contraband sweetened coconut milk was already opened.)

2. Honey- Um, Internet? Honey is not remotely like half & half. I don’t even put sweetener in my coffee 90% of the time… I don’t even super love flavored creamers! (Vanilla and Hazelnut are fun on occasion, but mostly I just like fabulous, creamy half & half.) This is just wrong. And it gives a complete different taste to coffee.

3. Greek Yogurt- This was by far THE ABSOLUTE WORST recommended substitute for half & half. It was hateful and nasty, like a sneaky conman who swindles your coffee goodness out from under your nose and leaves a bad taste in your mouth. I might as well have put sour cream in there.

So. Soy Milk it is. (Or at least that yummy coconut milk I bought… Hey, we can’t waste it! Plus, it’s still way better for us than dairy products.) 

All in all, I will probably still drink coffee with half & half at some point in the future. Probably. But I am perfectly open and willing to try other things. You never know- I may find something that’s really delish! I’ll be sure to let you know. (Because I know you value half & half and coffee as much as I do.) I mean, everything in moderation, right? It’s not like I put a cup of half & half in my coffee every time… If I only did it once a day, I’m pretty sure that would be ok.

P.S. Aside from the Saltine Emergency of 2015, I (and it goes without saying, my husband) haven’t diverged from the plan, even though we ended up having to eat the same things for a couple days for lack of time for food prep. Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of us.

Have you had any Saltine Emergencies yet this year?? And/or do you have some secret, magical, elixir-of-life healthy substitute for half & half??? (Tell me now, peasant, or I’ll have Trogdor burninate your thatched roof cottages.)

P.P.S. Just fyi! I happen to be running a big, lovely Share the Love MK Sale! You can check it out at:

Share the Love MK Sale

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